I haven’t been on here in a few days not by choice but because life has taken me away with it. I have been working non stop since Thursday, dealing with a sick child, and being extremely hormonal. Thanks mother earth!
I have been emotionally off the past three or so days. The usual depression has set in on full blast. I haven’t been myself and its killing me. I am damn sick of it at this point. I want to be happy again. I so wish it was something that was easily said and poof I was happy but it doesn’t work that way. In some moments I seem okay but for the most part I feel sadness. I feel alone and empty even when I have people around me. I have things that I have been looking forward to, that no longer seem that exciting.
For instance, my birthday is right around the corner. Typically I am not a birthday person but the past few years I have taken it upon myself to make my day special. Fuck depending on anyone else. As Beyonce would say “I got Me, Myself, and I.” However this year Anna decided that she was going to plan shit for me and I have been fucking jazzed about it! That is, until, my depression swung itself in my face. Now I find myself getting annoying with little details that don’t matter and ready to just say fuck it and wallow in my own self pity.
Maybe its because I am turning yet another year older and here I sit still a single mom with no prospects, the fear of being alone making itself known. Perhaps its because yet again one of my best friends is moving hours away and here I sit rotting in the same ole town I’ve always been in. Am I missing out? Am I not taking enough chances because I am afraid of change or am I just to comfortable where I am. I find myself questioning everything.
I don’t know anymore. I am content and happy with where I am for the most part. So why all of a sudden is all this emotional storm roaring? I sure as hell can’t answer this question. Thankfully, tomorrow is a new week and by the end of the week I will be celebrating my birthday with much needed alcohol and time with friends.
Currently I am sitting here watching Game of Thrones and I will have to say (along with everyone else) that Jon Smith is on fucking hot man. I mean please come fight wars for me covered in snow. Yes sir. I mean I live in Minnesota so you’ll be right at home with you fur jacket. I mean come on over!!!!