The Perfect Family

Last July I moved into my current home, its a little cluster of town homes. I love where I live its right around the same neighborhood I grew up in. I have pretty awesome neighbors for the most part and have no serious issues with any of them. No issues, but serious curiosities.

On the day I moved in I had to help of two girlfriends (shout out to Anna and Sara) it was on one of the most humid days during a heat streak. In Minnesota we don’t do weather in a basic way. Mother Earth fuck shit up no matter what the season and summer is no different. With heat indexes so high that they recommend you stay inside, most Minnesotans won’t listen to this recommendation. We have to be cooped up for majority of the year so telling us we shouldn’t go out in the heat when its to hot? I think not. So of course I move all of belongings into my new place this day. I ended up getting heat exhaustion. Maybe should have listened to the weatherman but eh…

So as I am moving my shit the neighbors are checking out who is moving in. Nothing new here everyone wants to see who the new person is thats standard procedure. The couple that lives next door comes and introduces themselves..I still don’t remember their names to this date..the husband does the whole “Oh, you guys need help moving?” Yeah no, I do not. I looked at him like he has just asked me to run around town naked. My reaction was completely unnecessary but my face has this whole bitch thing going on soooo yeah…

I figured this would be the end of the happy go lucky do-gooder family man but oh was I wrong. As I sit on my porch smoking a cigarette, drinking some coffee I see my neighbors getting ready to leave for work. I am NOT expecting to be talked to. I am the type of person that doesn’t do the whole morning thing. I have a rule when I am dating anyone that talking to me in the first hour of waking up is not an option. I am not a happy camper, chances are I didn’t sleep well and am wishing I was anything but awake. So here comes happy cheerful husband and dad getting all ready to go work and I hear, “How’s it going today Liz?” I do not know how he remembers my name which puts me off at first because I can’t remember his at all. We exchange the normal neighborly morning greetings and as he is getting in his car I notice the wife standing in the doorway, baby on hip. I shit you not this woman is standing in her doorway waving goodbye to the husband as he pulls off to work. Now some of you are probably thinking, what the hell is your problem? My problem is that these people seem to perfect. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

This is the type of family that goes on morning walks, evening after dinner walks, goes on bike rides, waves each other off to work, etc; Maybe I am fascinated by their dynamic because as a child I had many of those similar experiences and my home life was not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact, it was quite a shit show. So what is wrong with these guys? What is there secret. We share a wall and I never hear anything from over there. So either they did a bang up job on insulation or they are mute. I don’t know. I don’t even hear the kid making noise..HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. I swear this woman mops her floors every week and the husband washes his car like its some collectors item (it’s not, its a newer age monte carlo).

They seem to have their shit so together I struggle to find any flaw at least from an outsiders perspective. So here I am the single mother with no relationship in sight, no father for my child, and just a hot mess express. Set me up right next to the PF, makes a person feel like a giant disaster. These people are good people I don’t want anyone to think that I am angry with them I just wanna know how, what, why, when? This is the family that came to my door (and all the other neighbors) the week of Christmas and gave bags of popcorn with a note saying “Onto us a Child is Born.”

I couldn’t. I CANNOT. It was to much..I know they were just trying to be good people and say Merry Christmas but you should have just fucking sang some carols while you were at it I mean who does this? Who does this? Am I just some huge bitch that thinks this is odd? I don’t hang out with these neighbors or have playdates with their family. We simply just see each other in passing…

So today, after eight months living here I see the husband outside throwing his trash away. I am very much engulfed in my phone not really paying attention when he says “How are you doing today Liz?” Of course I don’t give him the honest answer because let’s be real he doesn’t care and well ain’t nobody got time for dat!!! I respond with a simple “It’s going” and he walks inside. Can we just take a second here and say every time he speaks to me he uses my name. Is that really necessary? His wife never has used my name ever..I don’t think we have spoken more than a few sentences to each other but perfect family man is all about using those pronouns. Maybe its my social anxiety that makes me think this is weird but I just find the whole this peculiar…

I can’t even with you perfect family. I now alert certain friends when this family goes out on their evening walk, bike, hike, or whatever the fuck it is that they are to happily doing. PF is on the move, Roger that.

One thought on “The Perfect Family

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  1. Dying. Best post yet. How dare he say hi to you… ugh terrible terrible. I hope he knows my name. I’d die laughing. Probably known as the fat Asian that is always over who cusses a lot and shines her car light in the kitchen while having PF dinner(s)


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