I am so painfully awkward at times it’s nerve racking just thinking about it. I do not know how to communicate face to face with people. At work, I can talk to my guests through the mirror. It’s almost like a barrier between me and them. I have to force myself to look people in the eye. Forcing yourself to make eye contact with strangers on a daily basis is terrifying. It’s part of my job and is necessary to build relationships with guests, coworkers, etc;
These are just situations with anyone. Then throw in someone I’m attracted to and I might as well not have a brain. You would think growing up with three older and two younger brothers that I should have this whole talking to guys thing down. Nope.
I am pretty sure most men think I am a raging bitch or completely insane. My reasons for thinking this are as followed:
- I start to not make any sense whatsoever. Screwing up letters in words that don’t make sense. Rambling way to fast and quietly.
- I avoid eye contact. Most of the time when someone avoids eye contact people tend to think that person is lying. Not for me.
- I get the nervous sweats. Now I don’t know if anyone other than me can tell that this is happening but if they can tell then so help me God. I just turn into a furnace.
- I tend to act like “one of the boys” I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve jokingly punched the guy I have been seeing or dating. WHO DOES THAT. We aren’t “bros” why am I punching you like we are pals? Did I miss the memo on how to function properly?
- I fidget. I bite my lip, pick at the skin around my nails, crack my knuckles, wiggle my leg and so on. I can’t sit still. The pressure is to much.
- I have this irrational fear that any time anyone looks at me it’s because there is something wrong with my face. There is nothing wrong with my face. I know this. I get told I’m pretty frequently. I just don’t see it. I feel as if people (especially men) are repulsed by me. That no matter how good I think I look that day, that the opposite sex thinks I should just put a bag over my head and crawl into a swap infested hole.
Anxiety. Yes I know this is all anxiety. I can’t stop it. It’s like watching a car accident you can’t stop. It’s painful. And while most people might not even know this is going on inside of my head, I do. I am so aware of these feelings.
It makes me want to just stay home and never go out again. I am in a constant battle of wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. These emotions are the reason I can’t commit to going on a first date. That I will avoid social settings at all costs. How I got into the profession that deals with the general public is beyond me. Some days it just comes naturally, but most days I am a fucking wreck. I wish I could change this part of me. I wish I could just fucking relax and enjoy myself.
I have an impending date for Saturday night. I am sure I will manage to talk myself out of this and not go. I do this frequently. Trust me I have excuses for days.