Today has been an extremely weird day for me emotionally. I have days like this every once in awhile. I feel almost disconnected from who I am and my emotions. I don’t know if its from the lack of sleep, food or just being over worked. I hear people talking and know they are talking to me but I just can’t focus on what they are saying. It’s not that I don’t care I typically do but on days like today I don’t even care about myself.
I feel very empty and heavy inside all at the same time. My brain feels clouded and hazy, my eyes and heart heavy. It is almost as if I am watching my day from birds eye view. As if I have no control over what happens but am forced to watch. I can almost feel the temperature of my body through my skin. Feel the energy I am putting off.
I hate days like these. I know they are short lived but they can’t end soon enough. It’s days like these that I feel hopeless. That my mental illness is on full display. Everyone asks me whats wrong and I have no idea how to explain exactly what I am feeling. What’s even worse is being asked why I feel this way, I don’t know. If I knew I would do everything in my power to change it. No matter what medication I am on or how high of a dose I am always going to have days like these.
Days that seem like they will never end.
Days where I feel like I can’t do anything right even though I know I’ve done nothing wrong.
Days when I just don’t feel like enough for anyone.
Days that I should end with crying but am so emotionally shut off that any “normal” emotion won’t come out. I am not holding anything in, my mind won’t let it out. I almost feel a sense of being trapped. Trust me I want out. I don’t want to be stuck in my head.